Good writing requires knowing how to develop coherent sentences as well as making choices for using words for a particular audience. Read the following sentences. What could be changed to make them more effective?
Example: There is a man who lives down the block who is my friend who likes to go to the store. One day, he drove his beat up old car to the store around the corner he didn’t want to park in the parking lot so he parked out front. Which was not the best idea.
In this example, in the first sentence, the word who appears too many times and is distracting to the reader. In addition, how can we change “down the block” so it is appropriate for an academic audience? What can we do to improve this sentence?
Revision: My friend, who lives nearby, likes to go to the store.
In the second and third sentences, we have several errors. The second sentence is a run on sentence. We need punctuation in between “corner” and “he.” In addition, the last sentence is a fragment (incomplete thought). How can we revise these sentences?
One day, my friend drove to the store and parked out front, which was not the best idea.
By getting rid of “beat up old car” and “around the corner” as well as making the two sentences into one, we get rid of the run on and fragment while also making the sentence more concise.
Part 1: Review the following information in your textbook:
1. Effective Sentences (Ch. 6, pages 125-126)
2. Fix Major Sentence Errors (Ch. 6, pages 129-130)
3. Avoid Deadwood Constructions (Ch. 6, pages 135-137)
4. Word Order (Ch. 6, page 146)
5. Selecting the Correct Words (Ch. 7, pages 154-156)
6. Selecting the Best Words (Ch. 7, pages 162-173)
Part 2:The sentences below contain the types of errors you’ve studied in the pages above, including run-ons, fragments, comma splices, using unnecessary words, phrases, and clauses, misusing coordinating conjunctions, misusing/misspelling words, and using vague verbs, nouns, and modifiers.
In your main post, select 3 three of the following sentences. Explain what each type(s) of error(s) each sentence contains, and what changes are needed. Then, revise each error and post the corrected sentences.
1. We went to the theater and the movie was sold-out and we had to pick another one and we didn’t really like it.
2. On vacation, we did alot of fun things.
3. Sara June said she deserved an “A” in math, irregardless of her 59 average in the coarse, but her arguments were in vein.
4. My brother Austin, who happens to be older than me, can’t drive to work this week due to the fact that he was in a wreck in his car at 2:00 A.M. early Saturday morning.
5. Vacations of to weeks with to friends are always to short, and although your to tired to return to work, your to broke not to.
6. A scientist is obsessed. He wants to recreate life. He creates a monster.
7. The machine we got was missing a few things.
8. It was revealed to us by staff members today that there were many adults at the company picnic throwing their trash on the ground as well as their children.
9. Did the high school principle loose you’re heavy metal DB and it’s case to?
10. Personally, I believe that there are too many people who go to eat out in restaurants who always feel that they must continually assert their superior natures by action in a rude, nasty fashion to the people who are employed to wait on their tables.
11. Roger was an awesome guy he was really a big deal in his company.
12. Their is a new detective show on television. Starring Phil Noir. It is set in the 1940’s. According to TV Guide.
13. I’ve signed up for a course at my local college, it is “Cultivating the Mold in You’re Refrigerator for Fun and Profit.”
14. The reason why the attorney objected was due to when the prosecutor tried to introduce the old antique gun as evidence.
15. Peter the Penguin was disappointed at the airport’s security check-point he learned he was on the no-fly list.
Part 3 –
Optional Activity: Post 3-5 of your own sentences from your rough draft of the business letter that you revised to improve sentence structure or word choice. Include both the original sentences and the revised ones in your post.